I've been away for a while.. My computer broke down so I couldn't log on and to top it off I lost all motivation and support. My parents made me eat every single meal with them, they took away my bathroom's lock and I wasn't even allowed to go by myself after a meal. And I wasn't even thin!! I got so depressed and forgot about everything.. But today things will be different. It's 8.30 am and I'm at the gym. All I have in my stomach is this 0 cal, 0 fat, 0 carb, 0 sugar energy drink.
About to go get some cardio done after I put everything in my locker. This time it'll work out, I won't quit!!
This new phone is the bestttt now I can log on all the time I need any support

Breakfast:
twinlab energy fuel. 0 cals

 Some books I'd like to buy and read before 08 ends. No specific order

The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski
Disquiet by Julia Leigh
2666 by Roberto Bolaño
Love: A Novel by Toni Morrison
The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
I Was Told There'd be Cake by Sloane Crosley
The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make A Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell
Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster
Same Kind of Different As Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore
When Crickets Cry by Charles Martin

 A week ago everything was going so, so well. I was weighing 124, only 4 lbs to my GW2. My plans went down the drain that night.. my parents were out of town, and I was planning on staying home that weekend. But I changed my mind and decided to leave early Saturday morning with some friends and go to where my parents were. So, that night after doing really well on a Calc midterm I went to celebrate and went to Wendy's... I don't even want to know how many calories I had!!! I woke up at 4am feeling like crap, so I purged and started working out. The next morning my friend comes and pick me up and I thought we'd be leaving right away, but nooooo we stopped by BK for breakfast... and I ate 'cause that's how much of a fat ass I am.. I ate a few chips, and snacks throughout the afternoon and had a wrap for dinner at a restaurant, at 11.30pm! With that I had 2 beers, and 2 glasses of wine (terrible combination). We got back to the hotel around midnight and I said goodnight to everyone before we went to a club, but my dad said we couldn't go because the dog show started at 8am and we needed to be ready by 6am. Whatever.. we found a little Café/Bar in the same hotel and a group of my friends and I stayed there until 3.30am drinking...BEER! I went back to my room and was in bed by 4am, but woke up at 5am feeling full and I threw up, yeah I was pretty wasted.. That day was full FULL of junk food. Ever since then I've been eating tons of crap.. 
This week has been reaaaaally stressful and I've been studying over at friend's houses which means I have to eat a little bit, and then they bring out snacks and I have one, then another one, and then another one! UGH. 
So tonight I get home and my mom is having some tostitos, I had one, then another one, and you know the rest. BUT I decided to purge them. Purged it all out and I feel empty, which is good. I'm spending the whole day at the library tomorrow, so I'm not eating anything. It'll be Day 1 of my official fast, I plan on fasting as long as I can and working out at home until I finish my last final and get back to the gym.
Now.. I need to find some serious thinspo. I weighed myself after purging and I was 134. FUCKING 134 LBS! I feel so miserable.. 10 lbs in one week! I'm really dreading weighing myself in the morning... 

Being in a relationship for so many years at such a young age has definitely changed the way of seeing things. After being with someone for 4 years you have this feeling which I don't know what to name, but it's something that tells you you have to be with that person, he completes you. He was the only one that made me feel safe, he understood me, we fell into comfortable silence and it was ok, I couldn't go to bed without speaking with him, and I couldn't wake up and not see him at school the next day. But.. was it because I loved him or was it just routine?
I'm the kind of person who believes in happily ever afters and all those sappy romantic things. I think once you fall in love there's no other way around it.. and I don't know if I already did fall in love and lost it. Maybe I was in love but he wasn't.. even if his actions proved he wasn't, his words, and his tears said something totally different at times. He was far from perfect, and even further away from being prince charming, but it was perfect.. Yes, he did cheat several times, but he would always come back to me and beg me to take him back and forgive him. When I just couldn't take it any more I told him to stop calling, he said he couldn't be without me..he wouldn't live without me. A friend of his called me once and said he was passed out drunk in his couch, he cut my name on his arm (which I was always against). We were SO different yet meant to be in so many ways.. When it was over he stayed with her and they're still together.. We broke up before our senior year, he said we'd go off to college together, get married right after. Crazy thoughts but yeah we were young. I hadn't seen him since graduation but I saw him before my birthday in '07. It was awkward at first and I just ignored him. He got closer, bought everyone I was with drinks but I had none of it and he noticed. A song I really like started playing and he started dancing with me, I don't know how but we ended up on a couch in the club making out, all the while he kept saying he was sorry, how much he missed me and still loved me. He said my birthday was in a few days and how we should hang out, so we did. He went to my birthday, we talked.. he had broken up with that hoe-bag recently. Asked me out a couple of times but I didn't go, I knew I couldn't be alone with him. And then Christmas just flew by, we didn't get together again and he worked it out with her. Haven't heard of him since..
The thought of us being together still haunts me, I feel we could be together if we'd worked things out. The problem is I've been on endless dates and I don't click with anyone, they're all too dumb, or just plain boring. I don't need a perfect man, I just want someone I can be myself with and I want him to feel the same way too.

Or maybe I just watch too many romantic comedies, or read these old literature romances, gah Twilight has also been creeping in my love thoughts! I just hope my perfect guy is out there and I haven't lost my chance..

( Wishes.. )

 For me Mondays are special, the day I get to redeem myself, in a way, and prove how in control and strong I am. I got up early, showered with really hot water, got dressed, walked in the kitchen and had some hot chocolate, prepared with milk which is like 120 cals. I was feeling really happy, said I'd fast today since I b/p the whole weekend, but still managed to weigh 124 lbs today. But then.. I got home from my morning class and what to I do .. b/p. WTF. After I purged I weighed myself and was 126..I exercised a bit and have yet to weigh myself again. I'm about to go downstairs, fake eat, and then head back down before I have my 4pm class. I just dunno where all my motivation has gone.. its just horrible. I just want to curl up in bed, listen to music, and cry.. just stay here forever with no one bothering me. The stress of the last week of classes and the pressure from finals coming soon is killing me.
And I'm so disappointed at myself. As long as I'm fasting everything is fine, but when i decide to restrict I mess up.

Well, I've sort of rearranged my GW. It used to be 110 lbs, but I have to make the process a bit more realistic. So, after about 2 weeks of dieting I was weighing 140lbs, don't even know how much I was before that.. well here it is:
GW1 : 130 lbs (ACCOMPLISHED)
GW2: 120 lbs
GW3: 115 lbs
GW4: 110 lbs

CW: 124 lbs
LW: 113-114 lbs.

-4lbs to goooo ! WOO

 Everything was going so well, eating as planned but I failed. Complete, utter, failure.
i started watching a movie and got hungry, so I went into the kitchen to get some tea.. but got a bowl of Captain Crunch instead, then another one, and another one, then my mom made me a sandwich with cheese, ham, and chorizo (dunno how to say it in english) and mustard! I, of course, purged it all. But then I was watching another movie and my brother comes in with some Cinni Minis or whatever and I ate more!!! I had like 3 freaking bowls.. it was just horrible horrible! But .. again, I purged and went straight to bed!
I woke up late and said I wasn't having breakfast, just the sushi my mom made.. I ended up having like a roll and a half and then a whole pack of Raisinets. Purged.. But around 4 I was studying and something smelled sweet so I ate some little christmas candies that are around the house, and this like dulce de leche bar of stuff. And purged..

I feel terrible, I hate purging like this, I need to learn to control myself. I controlled myself while fasting for 5 days and I can't handle a little bit of food. What the hell is wrong with me.. I'm like really hungry now, had some tea, but I'm happy because at least I know my stomach is empty. 

On a lighter note I tried some jeans on today and they fit :) I haven't worn them in over 5 months because they didn't fit. They're one of my favorites. Prob is I have way too many jeans and wear one pair all the time, but I bought these True Religion ones on a whim, I knew I had to have them, because none of my friends have them. 

I'm getting some thinspo now.. I need to get back on track for this week..

 It's 4.20 pm and so far I've done exactly what I had planned.
Had the egg whites and the ham and the half of a banana. For lunch the tuna salad, oh and a pickle.. and lots and lots of water! :)
My family is trying to sabotage my weight loss.. grrr. My sister dropped, seriously, intentionally dropped the scale and broke it! I asked my mom to get me a new digital one and she said "oh ok" and guess what.. she didn't get it for me! I think I might go crazy if I don't weigh myself. After fasting for 5 days I really needed to know how much I'd lost.. I'm doing one cycle of 2468 atm and I can't wait any longer to weigh myself.. I know I'm not getting it next weekend since everyone will be out of town.. crap.

I have SO much work it's ridiculous. College is sucking the life out of me, I have no energy for anything (and yes I do blame it on long study hours, sleepless nights reviewing and not on not eating..) um.. I have 2 exams on monday, 3 on tuesday, plus a whole bunch of work due this week. I'm doing really bad in Calc 2 but I can't fail.. I've never failed a course in my entire life and I'd feel like such a failure.. oh gosh.. I should be downstairs studying buut guess what. My mom bought pizza today, and the box is somewhere downstairs, with the smell all over the house. Plus, tons of candy. While I was eating everyone was eating all of that stuff.. even my mom, but she usually eats a lot of stuff now and skips dinner and she's always so thin. She had a whole little bag of Kissables, and Raisinets with my sister. 

I am so not going to binge..

Saturday:
IF I wake up early-- 
Breakfast with the fam : 2 egg whites (34 cals) + 1 oz turkey ham (33 cals) + 1/2 banana (53 cals)
Lunch-  2 oz tuna salad (50 cals)
Dinner- tea (0 cals)
TOTAL --> 170 cals.

Sunday:
NOT waking up early. No breakfast :)
Lunch- homemade sushi (300-400 cals?)
No snack.
Dinner- tea (0 cals)
TOTAL--> 300-400 cals 

Monday:
Breakfast- 2 egg whites (34 cals) + 2 oz turkey ham (66 cals) 
Snack- 8 oz cranberry juice (120 cals) 
Lunch- grilled chicken salad (110 cals) + 1 banana (105 cals)
Snack- apple (60 cals)
Dinner- tea (0 cals)
TOTAL--> 495 cals

Tuesday:
Breakfast- 2 egg whites (34 cals) + 2 oz turkey ham (66 cals)
Snack- 1 cup grapes (62 cals)
Lunch- 1 potato (164 cals) + grilled chicken (110 cals)
Snack- 8 oz cranberry juice (120 cals)
Dinner- 2 tomatoes (44 cals) + 1 oz mozzarella cheese (85 cals)
TOTAL--> 685 cals

I'll figure out what I'll do for Wednesday & Thursday ... fasting from friday morning to monday morning :D! 

 Monday, last day of the sacred heart diet.. which I didn't even finish properly but whatever. 
No breakfast, some soup at noon, no dinner.
Tuesday, coffee with some splenda. Lunch- 4oz cranberry juice (60 cals), no dinner. TONS of water
Wednesday, green tea for breakfast. Lunch-40z cranberry juice (60 cals) & some gum. :) I'm taking a banana with me and telling my mom I'm eating it at 6pm but I'll just give it to someone else, that way when I get home I get to skip dinner without getting the whole "you have to eat" lecture. 

I love this week so much!! Since one of my teachers decided to give us an extra class from 3.30-5 I get to leave home earlier, which makes me have to "eat" earlier when no one is home. So I'll just skip my meals this whole week and liquid fast. During the weekend I'll probably eat something. I might start 2468 on saturday until next week. But on Friday the 28th I'll just liquid fast until Monday morning because everyone will be out of town. I'm staying because I have a final that week and I can't be distracted from my studies. 

My GW has been modified. As of now, I'm 130 (which I hate!) So, my new GW1 is 120lbs. GW2 115lbs. GW3 110. and then just keep on going lower. I hope that by my bday I'll be at least on my GW2. I will have control over what I eat, no binges! I was feeling so sick last night I thought I'd wake up and binge.. but I didn't. If I handled that I can handle anything in my way. Self-control :)

 About two months I was trying on clothes and a black shirt I wanted didn't fit, and it was a medium size. I got really angry and left everything I was going to buy, but my mom got it for me and told me I had to start a diet until I fit in that shirt. So, today I decided to try it on and it fit!! Every single button closed perfectly :) My mom decides to comment on it and says "You see! Now you're starting to look like yourself. Only a few more lbs to go and it'll be perfect, oh and you better start the gym again this week" Um.. thanks mom! She kept on talking about my weight and I said don't worry, I'll get back to my normal old weight of 120 and probably just go down to 115 or 110 (which is my GW) and then I said.. "what the hell, maybe I'll go down to 100, or 99 and hit the double digits" and smiled, the biggest smile I've ever seen and said "oh my god, that would be great!!" But then she started prattling on how I need to start a healthy way of eating blah blah, she was so out of it she didn't even notice what she just said. It really hurt me..but at the same time motivated me. The lowest weight I've ever been is 114-115 and according to my friends I looked sick. So when I get down to 110 I'll see what I do, if I weighed 100 lbs it would be fantastic. 
And then they ask why I don't eat, where I got my ED from. When I got really sick and had to spend December in bed, almost in the hospital, I remember blaming my mom for everything. I told her she made me be the way I was, hating food, always worrying about the way I looked. Last year I got really <i>really</i> wasted at a bar and came home unconscious, my friend almost took me to the hospital, and apparently I told my mom I was wasted because I hadn't eaten for the whole week, so me being drunk was all her fault because I didn't want to be fat and disappoint her. And now she's done it again, without even noticing. 
I always feel I have to prove her wrong, I can do it, and I will do it! I'll be just like you mom. I mean, she's 44, 5'2 and weighs 103 lbs! Why then am I 5'3, 18 and weighing 129-130. Nope, not for long...

 This weekend has been rather dull. The semester is coming to an end, just 2 more weeks of classes and then finals and I'll be done with my 3rd semester of college, unbelievable. Time passes by so quickly, I just wish I'd shed my lbs as fast as time passes grr! 
First thing I'm doing on Monday is calling the gym to find out if my membership has already been reactivated so I can go and workout A LOT. I'm not sure I'll manage the hectic schedule I'll be having next week, with my lovely Calc 2 teacher making us go to reviews from 3.30-5pm, and then my usual classes from 6-10pm, but I'll go early in the morning.. hopefully. I don't think I can wait till it's winter break to go. I'll figure something, anything out. 
The Sacred Heart Diet ends on Monday...depending on how long I'll do it, I might extend it for a few days for my parent's sake. Or I might just start severely restricting, and the weekend of the 29th I can just fast because I'll be home alone :D ! A 3 day fast with noooo one saying anything &hearts;

 Today was just horrible... I got up early when my mom brought my coffee to me, which didn't look dark enough, so I assumed she'd put something, probably lots of cream in it, and didn't have it. Crappy start of the day.. I spent the whole day over at a friend's finishing a Statistics assignment and in between problems they'd start teasing me and saying how weird I was for not eating. Then at lunch I asked them to warm up some soup I'd brought along with me, they had pasta, some weird fried chicken, and tons of greasy food and dessert on the table. So I have my soup and his senile grandma was there and says "Why are you so fat if you don't eat anything?" I almost broke down crying, like..seriously. It was horrible, horrible! I felt like dying! I just held back my tears and ate little of my soup.. Then his mom said "Mom, stop, she's not fat, she's ok, she's just not bones" But this did nothing to help, it just infuriated me even more. Gah! And then his mom was all "Honey, why don't you just eat. It's almost as if you were anorexic hahahah ridiculous people."  I didn't laugh, or say anything back, I just turned around and kept working. 
People can be so rude at times, and so inconsiderate.. 

The only positive thing, I have a feeling I aced my Statistics exam *yay* for me!

I'm just really glad the day is over

 It's past midnight and I'm still up working on an assignment that's due tomorrow and I still haven't finished. I have to get up at 7am.. and won't be back home until 9pm. It's a tough day.. reviewing for that Statistics exam, and finishing the assignment will leave my brain exhausted. If this were any week I'd be happy for being away from home and not having to eat, but seeing as I'm on the Sacred Heart Diet I'll have my soup.. I'm actually bringing some of it with me to a friend's house to make his mom shut up for once! Whenever I'm there I skip lunch, and the million snacks they offer, so she constantly says how I must be sick, or somethings wrong with me, and at times she just gets offended because I won't eat her food. Um.. lady just stop! Last time I had some of your food so it's not as if I've got something against your cooking, sort of.. seeing as I only ate some lettuce, with no dressing..but whatever.
I will ace that test tomorrow! I will! And then come home.. and sleeeep.

 Day 1 of the Sacred Heart Diet is officially over! Having some food in me did feel weird..horrible actually, ugh. But I've made it through the day with very little whining. The best part of it was having everyone being proud of me eating with them at noon, my dad thinks I've started a healthy-way-of-eating-plan-or-something. I'll have everyone off my back for a week at least *le sigh*. 

And now.. some love :)

 Well, it's Monday and even though it's pretty early I'm kind of proud of myself. I have no classes today so I slept in until 10am, stayed in bed because my mom was home and I was pretty sure if she saw me she'd make me have breakfast. At around 11 I was officially up and the inevitable happened, my mom made me have a banana after a lot of complaining and saying I felt sick.. but whatever.
So now I'm home alone, I have no idea why I thought for a second that I should b/p since there's no one here. After being in the kitchen, opening the pantry and being grossed out by the food in there I opened the freezer, got the ice cream pint out, opened it, and put it back! I'm so glad I didn't binge.. so now I'm looking for thinspo for keeping me from going downstairs.
Going to the baseball game at 4pm with my sister and a friend, and I highly doubt I'll eat anything there because I really get into the game and stuff.
This is my first official post in the few months I've been here! I finally let go and decided to write something, why not right?